I have decided that when I get older I am going to have a lot of children. I think it was the fact that I had such a tiny family for most of my life, and the fact that I had so many family problems that would lead to this. I often wish that I had more siblings instead of just one, it might have made losing my father a little more easier to deal with. My mother doesn't really show a lot of affection to me or my brother, so the culture of our house isn't really one of love.
I think that is why Christmas is slowly becoming a hated holiday for me, because it forces me to think about my family issues and the things that have gone wrong. I wouldn't be sad if Christmas were just to go away.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Saturday, December 9, 2006
The Pain of Losing A Parent
It is very hard to describe the feeling of losing a parent to someone who has not lost one. People expect you to grieve heavily for a short period of time and then move on with your life. People don't understand the whirlwind of confusion that occurs when a parent dies, especially if you are a young child when it occurs. I was 16 when my father died and I remember feeling very emotionless, I wasn't sad as much as I was just dumbfounded and confused.
The sorrow is a different story. It took months before I began to be truly saddened by my fathers passing. I would see a boy and his dad at a baseball game, or maybe be confused about some aspect of life, or even just want to talk about something you can't talk to a mom about. That is when you really began to miss someone. There are still days where I wake up and I lie in bed and look at the ceiling and try to peace together what the hell happened. What happened to the wonderful family? What happened to a man who was about to enjoy the best years of his life when he died. What happened to that little boy who loved sprinkled donuts.
The sorrow is a different story. It took months before I began to be truly saddened by my fathers passing. I would see a boy and his dad at a baseball game, or maybe be confused about some aspect of life, or even just want to talk about something you can't talk to a mom about. That is when you really began to miss someone. There are still days where I wake up and I lie in bed and look at the ceiling and try to peace together what the hell happened. What happened to the wonderful family? What happened to a man who was about to enjoy the best years of his life when he died. What happened to that little boy who loved sprinkled donuts.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Secret Lives
After my father died I began to learn a lot of things about him that I never knew. I was rooting through his closet one day when I came across a legal divorce form from the state of Pennsylvania, and it had some woman's name on it and my father's name. I began to think that there must be some mistake because my father had only been married to my mother. Upon asking my mother it was in fact true that my father had been divorced before he had met my mother and I had never known about it. He could of had children for all I know, and I might have never known about them.
Upon asking my mother further, he hadn't had children with the woman, but her infidelity had led him to leave the marriage. This was just the tip of the iceberg though in terms of my father's secret lives. Some aspects of his life were not so much secret as he just did not talk about them. One of those such things was from the age of 18-30. I know little about what occurred during twelve years of his life. I do know that his father died when he was 3 and his mother died when he was 18. Upon her death, my father's sister sold the house and my father had no place to go. He went around to friends and stayed with them but after that the story fades and I know little of what took place.
How could my father have not told me about twelve years of his life? When I think about it, did I really know him at all? Twelve years is more than a decade, what the hell did he do for a decade of his life? I wish I had answers, but every time I find an answer a new question pops up.
Upon asking my mother further, he hadn't had children with the woman, but her infidelity had led him to leave the marriage. This was just the tip of the iceberg though in terms of my father's secret lives. Some aspects of his life were not so much secret as he just did not talk about them. One of those such things was from the age of 18-30. I know little about what occurred during twelve years of his life. I do know that his father died when he was 3 and his mother died when he was 18. Upon her death, my father's sister sold the house and my father had no place to go. He went around to friends and stayed with them but after that the story fades and I know little of what took place.
How could my father have not told me about twelve years of his life? When I think about it, did I really know him at all? Twelve years is more than a decade, what the hell did he do for a decade of his life? I wish I had answers, but every time I find an answer a new question pops up.
Introduction
This blog is basically about my childhood and my life. The title of the blog comes from when I was little. I used to go to DunkinDonuts all the time with my father and I would always get the same thing, a box of milk and a sprinkled donut. Those were good memories which I still cherish to this day.
Friday, December 1, 2006
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2. Depression
3. Feelings
4. Emotions
5. Life
6. Happiness
7. Stories
8. Britney Spears
9. George Bush
10. Democrats
11. Iraq War
12. Terrorism
13. Ipod
14. Anne Coulter
15. Bill O'reilly
16. Microsoft
17. Computer
18. Blog
19. Dog
20. Cat
Don't mind this page, just trying to increase traffic.
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